Greetings Pre Parent Co...
Oi, I’m talking to you! Yes you, the twit with the youthful complexion, thick head of brown hair & respectable waist size, put your beer down, turn off the football & pull up a chair.
I am you ten years on from you reading this right now & I need you to listen. Has our Wife started talking about starting a family yet? Are people asking you about kids, saying things like ‘pitter patter of tiny feet’ and ‘little Colin’s’?
‘Sure it’s someone to look after you when you are old’, they will say! Agh, we employ Nurses and health care assistants for that, i don’t want to take someones job away. So while It may be a romantic notion (for some) why would we want to give our kid the burden of spoon feeding us mush & wiping our ass when we are old?
Anyway, is what I am saying sound familiar? Alarm bells my boy, we don’t have much time! You have 2 choices, you either put our pecker away & choose to live on your terms or you run like a lemming straight over the cliff edge & fall for the greatest scam society has going! If you opt for option 1, which we shall call the sensible option, I wouldn’t have cause to write this, so let’s chat about 2!
Our Wife will soon, if she hasn’t already, suggest starting a family. She will talk about having kids, making mini little versions of each other. Please remember this is not her fault, millions of years of evolution have made her this way, she knows not what she does, so give her a break. Now inevitably you will go along with her suggestions, initially you’re even quite excited. Imagining the cool toys you will get to buy, thinking of possible names and playing Santa on Christmas Eve.
You will buy shitloads of baby stuff, paint the nursery in a neutral colour & count down the days, enjoying the last of your much treasured beer & movie days. Books on pregnancy will appear in the house of which many sections will be read to you, be interested!
Parenting classes are available & you will find yourself at them. While they are useful to a point, if they were totally honest then lesson 1 would be entitled “You’re gonna wish you slammed your Crown Jewels in the drawer”. It’s best to pay attention regardless, if only to keep our Wife happy, nothing worse than an angry pregnant woman.
Then suddenly you will find yourself walking out of the Maternity Hospital with a baby! It’s ok it’s yours, there is nothing iffy going on. You will be carrying said baby, also known as your son (spoiler alert, it’s a boy), in a car seat with such care & precaution that passers by will be thinking you had the nuclear football in your grasp! If you remember, buy some driving gloves and a flat cap, they aren’t needed but will complete the look as you will be driving like an old man, slow and steady. Every passing car will terrify you & have you wondering if the lorry driver two lanes over really needs to drive so close.
But you will make it home in one piece, unbelievably tired but safe & happy.
Work will give you some time off & although that sounds good at first you will soon learn the phrase ‘go to work for a rest’. Initially the routine of feeding, winding, changing & sleeping will be easy enough, broken only by little milestones, his first wee yawn, laugh & smile oh & the first time he wraps his little hand around your finger. Yep babies know all the moves!
Yet as he grows & develops you will become familiar with feeling scared, absolutely terrified even. Not that you won’t be a good Daddy or that you will do something wrong, your fear will come from your new heightened spidey senses! You are SpiderDaddy & you will see danger everywhere, sense harm before it appears & identify the risk in everything! Worrying about that little bundle will be one second nature. That’s one emotion no one ever tells you about & it’s one that will never leave you!
Now I could go on, could share my tips on survival, tips which make you realise that Bear Grylls guy only plays at danger, if he was any sort of real daredevil he would do a show about parenting, but he won’t as the NHS would see a rush on vasectomies. So I think I have given you enough to consider for now, but before I leave you with my five handy hints for early fatherhood survival, I should tell you something that you need to remember at the toughest of times, of which there will be more than a few.
When you need some time out, take it! Don’t feel bad for wanting a bit of space. It will benefit our Wife & baby! Being a Daddy isn’t painting by numbers, the guides are not one size fits all but while It may not always be apparent, that little ball of green poo (yep, it can be green) & dribbles thinks his Daddy is the best Daddy!
Now enough of the emotional crap, our Wife is gonna wonder why I have been in the loo for so long:
1, Your one job at the Birth is to be there. Try to say very little, don’t fall asleep & yes having a baby may have been her idea but until she jettisons junior out of her lady bits, this situation is indeed all your fault!
2, Learn point 1 off by heart & DO NOTimprovise!
3, Yes, every other parent in the World did trick you, in fact they are all liars! Their perfect family snaps on social media are all staged.
4, Don’t get angry at the realisation in point 3, just pay it forward & lie like a cheap rug to the next sap that comes along.
5, Farley’s rusks are too tasty to share with your baby.
Good luck Big Un, you’re gonna need it
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