Easter is over, NOW it’s holiday time

Its Easter Tuesday, which means he is Risen and reunited with his Pops. So let’s put JC back in the roof space until Xmas…

Right now I have the small matter of the family holiday to navigate (read, endure & survive) Some people are searching for answers to life’s big questions, whereas I’m wrestling with why we say “Family Holiday”.

Taking your family anywhere is not a Holiday, a holiday is time away from everyday life, stresses and work. Which includes your kids and at times your significant other. In my case I have started to call the significant other Judith, as in Chalmers. My Judy has a knack for finding cheap deals which means we have 2 trips lined up before August, she also has no idea who Judith Chalmers is, which doesn’t surprise me in her bubble living life.

Once again I am holding Society responsible for these so called “Family Holidays”. Yep, Society has sold us another pup (society has a lot to answer for) & travel firms support them by shoving glossy brochures, adverts and online shots of idyllic scenes in our faces. We have all seen them, Mum & Dad with theiir little darling kids laughing and playing on the beach or by the pool. Enjoying a leisurely meal or a paid excursion.

I thought false advertising wasn’t allowed? Yet several things you will notice if you really study these images

1, Everyone is jollier than a Mormon Missionary on a sugar high

2, Not one love handle, beer belly or flabby ass can be seen

3, I spend my holiday sweating like a rotisserie chicken, but not one blade of sweat is visible despite it being 32 degrees.

4, Every Looky Looky Man in the resort hasobviously been digitally erased or rounded up & shipped off to whichever resort I’m heading for.

5, There are ample sun loungers & the pool area does not resemble the flies round shite scenario we are accustomed to!

The list goes on, but you get the picture! The actual picture. That picture paints a thousand words, each one of them spelt L.I.E.S!

The reality of a family holiday is merely your everyday existence, fighting children, gurny children, tired children, only transported to sunnier climbs were a pint only costs £2. Ever wondered why the drink is cheap? It’s to stop the parent uprising!

If I owned a travel company my resorts would be joyous carefree mirages, because the brochure would have a picture of an overheated parent, carrying enough shit to stock the summer aisle in Home Bargains, wrestling with a sticky covered tornado of tantrums that is in for both barrels of Mommy wrath when they get back to the apartment. Multiply that by 7 nights per child, 14 if you’re truly mad... A Daddy Demented holiday may not be pretty, but that’s parenting for ya

Well thank you very much travel industry, you suck!