Soft play survival guide

Fun Factory, FunkyMonkeys, World of Wonder!

Fun.... Funky..... Wonder! Absolute Bollox!

The soft play area! As appealing to man as a sack wax in sub zero temperatures. It’s the place that every expectant or family planning father should be exposed to, better yet dropped into the middle of on a Saturday afternoon & made to fight his way out! A true test of the suitability of fatherhood!

For those who have never experienced the Soft play area! Compared to even the most crowded day at the local parks it’s a special little slice of adult hell! Sure, on paper you get rid of the kids for an hour, & all it costs is a tenner plus the occasional peripheral scan of the perimeter, but you inherit the brain scraping screams and screeches of dozens of other human spawn!

Undoubtedly you will even gain a child or two as your kid brings their new gang by your table for beverages & a packet of crisps that cost you four times the price that even Harrods charge.

But there is an upside to all the suffering, hidden deep below the surface and it comes ju... nah, can’t sugar coat this

There is no upside, no joy, no glossy magazine shoot images of parents & kids laughing in a relaxed carefree manner! There is noise, crying tantrums & bodily fluids. Snot, mucus and questionable moisture everywhere!

But what if there was a better way!

Imagine if the adult area was separated from the play area by a sound proof wall, see through of course. With access between the 2 controlled by a sterile zone, so bobo’s, trips, disputes and fall outs will all be dealt in no man’s land before each party retreats back to their side of the line?

The most profound change & the true brilliance is kept for the end ! No child ever wants to leave the play area & tantrums are all but guaranteed so we need to ensure our newly found chilled vibe is maintained & for that we use a classic fun fair game, on a larger scale

Like a blinding miracle from above, the giant candy grabber appears, hones in on your child & begins the ‘dance’ by presenting a lolly pop! Transfixed by the sugary treat the claws softly envelopes your mini human & extract them to the exit area.

Your exit is not only smooth but stress free!

It’s not, as they say, rocket science