Back in the Autumn of 2010, as we were waiting for Dementor 1 to slide into the World, I spent a lot of time thinking about all the ways my life was about to change.
The little guy playing contentedly on the floor while I watched the Game!
Snoozing happily in his buggy as I sat outside a coffee shop, people watching!
Taking him out in his stroller on my daily run.
To be honest none of those would ever take place, which was nothing to do with the shock of parenthood. I didn’t people watch at coffee shops or take a daily run, as for playing contentedly on the floor! Is that a fucking Unicorn I see? The wee git is almost 9 & still has yet to do that!
I have no idea why I even listed those things
Well that’s wasn’t to be... the best laid plans and all that jazz
From day one, rightly so, I was in at the deep end, not so much swimming as treading water, keeping my head above the surface and waiting for the shark to strike!
The first couple of days, all coochy cooo’s and excited visitors, passed me by in a sleep deprived blur of adrenaline & take out dinners! There is nothing more terrifying to a grown man than holding a crying baby & not knowing why they are upset and what to do about it!
But that’s lesson number 1! Babies cry not out of frustration, anger or fear. Well not all the time. It’s actually their way of talking to us & generally it’s due to a few things, needing fed, needing changed, needing winded or needing to remind you that you & your drunken animalistic desires caused this situation......
And on that note, may I welcome you to the MANual! You’re one stop guide to Daddying in modern times!
This is me, The Daddy! Doing the responsible thing of protecting myself from the killer that is recirculated air on board a commercial flight. A picture taken seconds before I forgot I was wearing the mask & spilt my whiskey and ginger right down my front.
I come before you with 13 and a half years of parenting experience, much of it a struggle, beyond what you can imagine. If you’re a bloke that is currently pregnant (it’s not a biological miracle, it’s a turn of phrase) then perhaps I can help prepare you.
As a father of two boys, one 8 & one 5, I have been there, don’t that and if the youngest hadn’t shat all over me, I would still have the T-shirt
So sit back, crack a beer or if you’re close to going full term, a cold soft drink & get ready for some brutally honest advice that you won’t find in any parenting book, not one that’s endorsed by any professionals
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